the story of my life.

i'm born in a so called "perfert" family
i have my mother and father still intact tgt
a typical brother who is 4 yrs younger
we were very close since we were young
cos we still tgt thru all those shit that happened to us,
which partially are unknown to our parents.

we are christian
and our extented family were mostly unbelievers
so since young we face persecutions from them
cousins will say things about us
bully us at times.
therefore since young, i start to develope this inferiority
well, people may look at me now and say,
you've got everything in life that is good
you look confident to me
but i guess i do put on a storng front in front of everyone
just so to hide this lousy side of me unknown.

the nightmare started when i was in primary sch
both of us were handed over to my eldest aunty from my paternal side of family, to take care of us while both my parents are at work.
partly becos the pri sch i studied in is near her place
so during the day we stayed at her place and at night, sometimes really late at night then my parents will come to fetch us home
it is not like my aunty do not love us.
she loved us alot, like her own.
its just that she has her family.
and my cousins hated us for some reason, i dont know.
even till now i do not know why thay had to treat us this way.
it has always been this hostile treatment
it may sound ridiculous
but it really happened to me, in my life.
and my little brother
we were so young then, and how can i protect him.
i shall not go into details for that
cos it's a past filled with shame and unhappiness.

sometimes i even wake up feeling scared
like today, i woke up feeling so upset about it.
i wondered why God put me thru all these sufferings.
in a way i've grown and learnt lessons from it.
but its a lesson that i'll nv forget.
its a scar so deep that can nv be removed.
i hate my life.
the devil gets in to "psycho" me to end my life.
but i believe there's other purpose in life than just complaining about my sadness.

God breaks the soil, to make the plants grow ; He breaks the clouds, to pour down rain ; He breaks bread, to nourish our souls ; Let us then be thankful, when he breaks our lives ; Our rhythm, our securities and our hearts ; He must be on to something good


you know what.
something it's better to shut up.

ANYWAY
passed my driving test!
damn happy.
was damn scared!
woohoo!

happy 1yr 6 months dear.
you have been the one. :)


recently watched "i love you, man"

then i realised my circle of friends are minimalising.
and it kinda scares me.
when i say friends
as in people who i can really count on.
not just those hi and bye friends
who come and go as they like.

so far wenyan has been the only one i've been constantly meeting
the reason why we have been able to meet up
is probably becos we're willing to take time out of busy schedule.

i really do miss my friends in sec sch
but i'm really scared to organised something and get rejected all over again like before.
so it's pointless afterall.


i'm kinda depressed.
and really sorry.
sigh.
many times i just think that i'm not suitable to be a nurse
i'm too careless too blur.
i don't know.

i was having terrible gastric pain which last all the way up til now.
i was totally dying.
yet i shld have checked on it.
sigh.
i just don't know.
this sucks.
truely sucks.
i'm not blaming people for not teaching me.
i guess i'm just not proactive enough.
sigh.
this is sucky!
i've never felt this terrible before.
i'm just not good enough.

ahh! :(


i don't mean to be straight forward or to be stupid with my words.
sometimes it sucks to have friends
cos in the end you're left with only friend.

quit saying about meeting up when meeting up never come true.
i believe if you really make an effort to do so,
we would have met up.
i guess people have different piority and different level of friendship
and different level of friendship is being placed at different priority.
it sucks to be proven that our friendship is being placed so lowly.
really.
i don't wanna sulk about it.
but yea
just forget it.
it's good that things somehow turn out to be this way.

i am speechless really.
and disappointed
after all these years.


when all it turns is just for you to back off and get lost.
cos i really don't wanna hear of you.
don't ever wanna meet you.
i hate to have to fake this "friendship"

part of me, deep in me.
still prays for you.
hoping someday you'll be good.
but part of me felt like i've given up long ago.
thinking that you're hopeless.

oh well.
whatever
just stop those stunts
really can't stand you.


i am so freaking pissed with the system.
and freaking piss with the doctor!
is it my fault that the lab result take so long to get to me?
is it my fault that the specimen wasn't sent on time?!

whatever.
bullshit!
all these doctors speak without brain.
as if they took their brain out to talk to nurses.

cut all the attitude problem.
try to give each other a better working environment please.